It’s amazing what the subconscious can do. Every single year, as my birthday approaches, something triggers in me. Anxiety, sadness, grief, desperation, excitement, giddiness, enthusiasm, anticipation…all rolled into one. I get antsy with the need to “do something”. That “do something” can be anything – start a project, finish a project, plan a party, make a big purchase, make vacation plans, find my birth-father, find my foster mother…
“Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…time is running out, Jackie. How old is he now? Is he still alive? What was his name again? Oh yes. Bruce. Bruce what though? Does he remember I exist? Did he ever wonder if I was a boy or a girl? Did he ever tell his wife that he conceived a child with someone else? Do his children know they have a sibling? Do I resemble him in any way? Has he ever tried to find me or did he completely erase me from his memory? Dickhead. Asshole. Jerk. I don’t need to find him. He’s just a sperm donor. Fucker.”
“Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…time is really running out, Jackie. How old was she when I was her foster baby? She was probably a grown woman and I was probably one of many fosters. I bet she wasn’t very nurturing or loving. I bet I was just a source of income for her. Vivian B. from Garden Grove. My dad’s shop was in Garden Grove. My elementary school was in Garden Grove. The stores I frequented with my mom as a little girl were all in Garden Grove. I wonder if I passed by her and never even knew it. She named me Jenny. If I found her, would she remember that baby girl she had in her home for almost two months in 1970?”
When I started this blog on May 1, I wrote this for the section “What is my blog about”:
In a nutshell, my story is about losing a mother, gaining a mother, losing a mother again, wishing to be a mother, learning about a mother, becoming a mother, becoming a childless mother, longing to be a mother again, meeting a mother, becoming a mother again, searching for a mother, finding a mother, losing a mother again, meeting another mother, becoming a mother again, and searching for another mother.
It's a mother of a story, as I like to say.
That last part…”searching for another mother” refers to Vivian. That is the quest I was on in 2014. And then I wasn’t anymore. And now I am again. That’s how it goes. These waves of desperation to know more about my past hit me out of nowhere. And then after a while, I retreat and take a break. Mentally it’s a lot to deal with and it’s exhausting. My mind decides when to search and when to stop and when to start again. As of this morning, I am on the hunt again for Vivian B. from Garden Grove. Last night when I went to bed, I had absolutely zero idea that this is what I would be doing today. That’s how out of nowhere it hits.