This morning, I awoke thinking “Crap! What will I write about next? What IS my story?” Usually, while I’m getting ready in the mornings, I have a rambling narrative going in my head. It can be about anything; whatever that particular moment’s life topic is and what my thoughts are on the matter. I’ve often wished there was some cool technology that could actually transfer my thoughts directly from my brain to a Word document because by the time I sit down to type, they are mostly gone and not nearly as brilliant as they sounded in my head. But this morning was different. I had nothing. I thought “OMG, is this what ‘writer’s block’ is? But how can I have writer’s block on Day 2??? I always have so much to say about everything! How can I not have anything to say today? And why the F am I even calling myself a writer? I feel ridiculous! I sound so pompous calling myself a writer. If I'm at a party and someone asks me 'what do you do?' am I going to answer 'I'm a writer'. No way! What are all the grammar rules about quotes and punctuation? Inside or outside the period? I don't remember! Who was my English teacher in High School? I don't remember. Do bloggers write every day? Are my FB friends going to think ‘Oh geeze, again? Already another post? Who does she think she is?’ And what if no one reads my blog? What if no one ‘likes’ my post?” THAT was the only narrative I had while I did my hair and make-up and drank my coffee.
As I drove around running errands, I went through a mental Rolodex of all the Word documents I’ve written over the years with titles like “Memoirs”, “More Memoirs”, “My Story”, "More of My Story", “When I was 16”, etc. (Clever titles, I know.) I wondered if I should refer to those for inspiration. How do I even start to tell my story? And seriously…what IS my story?
I thought back again to May 1. I thought about Mimi who I miss so much. I thought “Oh, the number one represents the beginning of something!” and I patted myself on the back for how appropriate it seemed that I started my blog on the first of the month.
Inside a store, I walked past the greeting cards. Mother’s Day is coming up. I really dread Mother’s Day. I have been a motherless daughter for most of my life and for four agonizing years I was a childless mother. I immediately remembered one of my Word docs. It was something I had written for a newsletter many years ago about Mother’s Day. And that was when it hit me! My story is about anything and everything related to a Mother! In a nutshell, my story is about losing a mother, gaining a mother, losing a mother again, wishing to be a mother, learning about a mother, becoming a mother, becoming a childless mother, longing to be a mother again, meeting a mother, becoming a mother again, searching for a mother, finding a mother, losing a mother again, meeting another mother, becoming a mother again, and searching for another mother.
Once again, I saw the synchronicities of the dates in my life. Not only had I started my blog on the 1st which is such a significant date to me, but also, I chose to begin writing my story during the month of Mother’s Day. And believe me, it’s a mother of a story.