Tuesday, October 28, 2014

No Longer A Marionette

I feel so happy for how far I have come in evolving as a person. I feel immense pride when I look at who I used to be and who I am now. The changes may not be noticeable to outsiders or to most of my friends and family, but to my close, inner circle (i.e., my husband, children, and best friends) I know they see the new me.

I spent most of my 20’s in a rage. I was angry, bitter, resentful, critical, judgmental, and defensive. I felt that everyone was out to get me. I felt attacked and misunderstood. I hated how my life had turned out and I felt it was so unfair. I was angry that my dad wasn’t who I needed him to be; I was angry I was on my own; working so hard to support myself; I was especially angry and heartbroken that I would never be loved again the way my mom had loved me. Because I knew that that kind of love was one only a mother could give me.

In my 30’s, I still had rage. I was still angry, bitter, resentful, critical, judgmental, and defensive. But the reasons were all different. Most of the negativity revolved around losing my baby and my subsequent infertility, as well as dealing with my own adoption issues. I was angry that God had given me a baby and then took him away; I was resentful of all pregnant women; I was critical of myself for not conceiving; I was judgmental of mothers who I thought didn’t deserve to be mothers.

Last Saturday, I had the great pleasure of hearing Carolyn Myss speak at a conference. She is a best-selling author and an internationally renowned speaker and educator in the fields of human consciousness, spirituality and mysticism, health, energy medicine, and the science of medical intuition. Carolyn was captivating and real.

One of the things she said that really hit a nerve with me was about the power of our wounds. She talked about healing from whatever hell we’ve been through. She said it’s not about forgetting the hell; it’s about taking the wound and saying “You won’t control me anymore.” She said we don’t need to dismiss what we’ve been through, but we also shouldn’t allow it to make us marionettes. Carolyn then went on to say that most people would get on with their healing quickly, but instead they discover the power of their wounds and that is what stops them from healing.

Friday, October 24, 2014


The other night I watched an old episode I had recorded of Oprah’s Master Class. The guest was Robin Roberts. I thought she was absolutely brilliant. In fact, I jotted down some of her pearls of wisdom because they were that good. One of the things she said that resonated with me was that God has three answers to our prayers: 1) Yes 2) Not yet 3) I have something even better in mind. Robin said that her favorite is the third one. She thinks it takes courage to believe that the best is yet to come.

I have been reflecting a lot on the prayers and requests I made of God in my lifetime and how so many times I felt like he wasn’t listening. He let me down when I lost my mom when I was only 16; He let me down when my relationship with my dad was rocky; He let me down when I suffered the second-trimester miscarriage of my sweet baby Gabriel. He let me down month after month, year after year, when I was trying to get pregnant. He let me down when we had an adoption fall through. Over the course of 25 years, He let me down more times than I care to count. To be honest, I lost my faith for a long while because I felt that God had forgotten about me.

But the truth is, He really hadn’t forgotten about me. It’s like Robin Roberts said…He had something even better in mind. Losing my mom was one of the worst tragedies of my life. But as a result of the circumstances that followed her death, I met my husband. So many times I have thought that if she hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have met him. Losing Gabriel and suffering through infertility for years were my two other great tragedies. But again, if I hadn’t gone through those things, I wouldn’t have the children I have today.

So it all goes back to what I always say…everything happens for a reason. Everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen, when it’s supposed to happen. We just need to keep the faith and know that God doesn’t forget about us. And as someone once reminded me as I was crying about my infertility…God is perfect. He doesn’t make mistakes. I’m not gonna lie. This is a very tough concept for me to accept because SO many times I have been 100% certain He has made a terrible mistake in not answering my prayers and requests. There are still some things I’m not sure I understand how/why they happened the way they did and maybe I never will. I just have to believe that He has my best interest at heart and knows what is best for me.