I feel so happy for how far I have come in evolving as a person. I feel immense pride when I look at who I used to be and who I am now. The changes may not be noticeable to outsiders or to most of my friends and family, but to my close, inner circle (i.e., my husband, children, and best friends) I know they see the new me.
I spent most of my 20’s in a rage. I was angry, bitter, resentful, critical, judgmental, and defensive. I felt that everyone was out to get me. I felt attacked and misunderstood. I hated how my life had turned out and I felt it was so unfair. I was angry that my dad wasn’t who I needed him to be; I was angry I was on my own; working so hard to support myself; I was especially angry and heartbroken that I would never be loved again the way my mom had loved me. Because I knew that that kind of love was one only a mother could give me.
In my 30’s, I still had rage. I was still angry, bitter, resentful, critical, judgmental, and defensive. But the reasons were all different. Most of the negativity revolved around losing my baby and my subsequent infertility, as well as dealing with my own adoption issues. I was angry that God had given me a baby and then took him away; I was resentful of all pregnant women; I was critical of myself for not conceiving; I was judgmental of mothers who I thought didn’t deserve to be mothers.
Last Saturday, I had the great pleasure of hearing Carolyn Myss speak at a conference. She is a best-selling author and an internationally renowned speaker and educator in the fields of human consciousness, spirituality and mysticism, health, energy medicine, and the science of medical intuition. Carolyn was captivating and real.
One of the things she said that really hit a nerve with me was about the power of our wounds. She talked about healing from whatever hell we’ve been through. She said it’s not about forgetting the hell; it’s about taking the wound and saying “You won’t control me anymore.” She said we don’t need to dismiss what we’ve been through, but we also shouldn’t allow it to make us marionettes. Carolyn then went on to say that most people would get on with their healing quickly, but instead they discover the power of their wounds and that is what stops them from healing.