I had a huge flashback when I went to the restroom at Target yesterday. As I was walking out, I noticed a Clearblue Easy wrapper in the trash can. Immediately I pictured a young, possibly teenage girl, freaking out, believing she might be pregnant and being desperate enough to take a test while still at Target. I was never that girl though. My flashback was of a different girl.
I was a 32-year-old girl who had been trying to get pregnant for two years and who very desperately wanted to have a baby – desperate enough to lie to my co-workers about what I had to do at lunchtime so I could ditch them and go to Target during lunch, buy a test, and take it right then and there.
My hands were shaking as I tore open the package. I hadn’t peed all morning and I hadn’t had a lot of water so as to not dilute my urine. (Tricks of the trade) When the test came out negative, I began to quietly sob in the stall. I put the stick back in the wrapper and back in my bag. I didn’t dare have the courage to walk out with it in-hand and throw it away there. I took deep breaths trying to regain my composure before walking out.
When I got to the car, I called DJ and cried my eyes out, explaining that I had wanted to surprise him, believing that THIS was THEE month I would have good news. But I never did get that kind of good news ever again – It only happened once on July 1, 2000, so very long ago. (Gabriel would be turning 14 this March. )
I thought about the mystery girl off and on all day. Was the test positive or negative? What is she going to do if it’s positive? Does she have the means to raise a child? Is she a teenager? Or is she someone like I was? Does she want to be pregnant? (I highly doubt she is a 30-something with infertility issues, trying to conceive, but she could be. Anything is possible.) I thought about how life just changes from one second to the next, no advanced warning, no time to prepare. Just BAM.