I’m gonna go out on a limb and share some kooky thoughts and I hope you don’t think I’ve lost my marbles. And if you do, oh well. I'm sure you already think I'm crazy for a lot of other things I've written.
Okay, here’s what I believe…I believe that my soul chose this life. (Stay with me.) What I mean is that my soul agreed to the life I have in order to grow and learn the lessons I need to learn. I learned this tidbit about our soul’s journey over a year ago while reading a book by Dr. Brian Weiss and it completely changed my perspective on life. Dr. Weiss says that before coming to this earth, our soul is given a life-preview and we have the option to accept or decline. Crazy, right? But I fully believe it.
Knowing this information suddenly put a different spin on life for me. When I started thinking back to everything I’ve been through, I didn’t just look at the negative experiences I’ve had as tragedies, burdens, punishments, and curses, but rather as experiences my soul needed and AGREED to. Instead of looking at my past as God playing terrible, sick jokes on me, I realized that everything I went through and have yet to go through are all part of my chosen- life-lesson-plan.
It is a rather empowering feeling to know that I chose this life. Yes! I CHOSE this life. When I look at it that way, I don’t feel like a pitiful, sad case of an angry young victim who suffered and lost so much and who was dealt so many injustices. Instead, what I feel like is Wonder Woman. I feel like “Holy shit! I did it! I survived it all and came out the other end stronger and better.
(And because music is my life and in me 24/7, I keep having bits of Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” playing in my head https://screen.yahoo.com/survivor-144811829.html mixed with bits of Kanye’s “Stronger” https://screen.yahoo.com/stronger-103736215.html as I’ve been writing this. I had to stop writing to watch the videos.)
Knowing and believing that everything I have lived is something I agreed to experience is what prompted me on this journey of looking for the life-lessons of my past. Additionally, with every new experience, I immediately try to see the lesson. When you start to analyze life as one big fat lesson, it helps you grow , change, and evolve.
We are back at the story where I had six weeks to find a full-time job, find an apartment, save up for first and last month’s rent, buy furniture, and move out of Felicia’s house – oh that wonderful, wretched, whore whose house was my own personal torture chamber – I hated being there with a passion yet I had nowhere else to go.
In mid-February 1992, approximately two-and-a-half weeks after Felicia gave me my notice to move out, I went to The Automobile Club in Costa Mesa to fill out a job application for a full-time position as a “File Clerk”. My good friend, Clarissa, whom I had met while we both worked at the flower and card shop in high school, was working there and told me about an opening. I jumped at the opportunity. The job sounded insanely boring but it paid well and there was plenty of room for growth at such a giant organization like AAA.
Despite desperately needing a job and money to move out, I was also still obsessing over school and finishing a degree. I was disappointed to quit while being so close to finishing my general ed requirements. (Holy. Shit. I just read my journal entry and I’m in shock. I must share…)
Tuesday, February 18, 1992…
“I’m so stressed out. Tonight all I’ve been thinking about is school. I need to finish up my classes for my general ed. I just need about 15 more units. But unfortunately, school can’t be my priority now because work, money, and moving out have to be. But I’m stressed out over school anyway because all of the sudden, I’m in a rush to go back and finish. DJ called me about 10 minutes ago while I was browsing through my old Cypress College catalog. I told him that becoming a counselor is eons away from my reach and that maybe there is some other career similar to counseling that doesn’t require as much schooling. Anyway, then I finally verbalized my little secret dream I’ve had for so long ~ to be a writer. I would LOVE to write books. It’s what I enjoy most. It’s my relaxation and if it were my job, it would be even better. But where does one start? How does one begin? I don’t even know how to type! I was thinking of what kinds of books I would write. The way I figure, I’d most likely write adolescent novels or maybe adult novels. Who knows? But maybe, just maybe, I’ll start on something. Maybe writing is my call in life. After all, I’ve been writing for almost 10 years. In fact, it will be 10 years on my birthday, cuz I started a diary on my 12th birthday in 1982. I know that writing books and having them published could take forever. But who’s to say I won’t be the next Judy Blume or Danielle Steele. I could write like they do or even better. Shoot, I’ll just use my own personal life experiences as story lines. This will be just mine and DJ’s secret. I’m not about to tell anyone because I don’t want to be laughed at. Maybe someday I’ll publish my diaries (maybe not). Oh well, I’m excited. DJ says I need to learn to type. I said I’d rather learn to type than take a billion classes just to listen to people tell me their problems. So, what do you think? I think it’s in my blood. Jesus, tonight may have been the beginning of a whole new phase/stage/whatever you want to call it/ of my life.”
Seriously…Holy. Effing. Shit!!! I can’t believe I wrote that!?! I didn’t realize how effing long it’s been that I’ve had this dream! I don’t even remember that conversation with DJ and I don’t remember ever reading this entry ever again. But here I am, one month shy of exactly 23 year years later, writing my personal life experiences and sometimes publishing my journal entries on this blog. Sorry. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all…
(AND…here’s another little nugget of “Holy Shit.” I said that writing is in my blood. Well, at the time, I didn’t know I was adopted and no one in my adoptive family has a passion for writing, so I don’t know what made me say that. And the fact is that writing truly is in my DNA. My birth-mother kept journals and wrote poetry. And my biological great-great-grandfather wrote and published an autobiography.)
On February 24, I went to give Felicia my $100 rent check and she rejected it. When I asked her why she didn’t want it, she wouldn’t say. Then she asked if I had found a place to go. I explained that I hadn’t because I was still looking for a job and that I couldn’t move out until I had one. She asked me to keep my money and not spend it. At this point, I supposedly had two more weeks until she wanted me out, four weeks tops. For some reason, her not taking my check upset me very much. I bawled my head off because I took it to mean that no amount of money was going to change the fact that she wanted me out.
My journal…February 24, 1992…
“How the hell am I going to get a job and save money within a month to move out? My head is POUNDING right now. It has been since I spoke to her. Plus I feel nauseated. What I need to do is commit myself into a psychiatric ward cuz right now I feel very very crazy. Stress has taken over my entire life. I don’t think I can handle this much longer. I am about to collapse. I can feel it coming on so strong. I must have ulcers or something close to it. I just can’t take it anymore. NO MORE. NO MORE. NO MORE. I want out! I want out of my life. I wish I were dead. I would be better off. No more worries, no more anything. My head hasn’t stopped spinning. Every year for the past 5 ½ years something drastic has happened to me. I just want PEACE, LOVE, AND TRANQUILITY! That’s all. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m so tired of it all. I’m so sick of it. No more! No more, please! Jesus, God – make it go away. Make it stop. Make it end. I can’t live like this. I can’t go through any of this anymore. I’m losing faith. I’m losing hope. After mom died, all I kept thinking was that things could only get better, definitely not worse. Boy was I wrong!”
My 22nd birthday was shortly after that entry. I wrote that I had been in a very weird mood lately. Very depressed. Very tired. Like nothing was worth anything. Like nothing mattered. Very blah. Now, I see that I was suffering from depression. I probably had been for a long time but I think that f#ck-face Felicia kicking me out of her house was the final straw.
|Reading the manual for the new Fuji camera my sweetie|
bought me for my 22nd birthday. Also, I look like a big priss.
Also during that week of my birthday I drove all the way to North Hollywood for a job interview at IADE American Schools. After the interview, they sent me to their Santa Ana office for a second interview. Thankfully, my unreliable, piece of shit car got me there and back. (I wrote that I was on the road that day for four hours driving from Anaheim to North Hollywood to Santa Ana and back to Anaheim.) At the end of my second interview, they offered me a receptionist job and I gladly accepted and started the next day. It only paid $6.00/hour, but hey…I was one step closer to getting the eff out of asshole Felicia’s house.
I actually really liked my new job and the people. I made fast-friends with two of the girls I worked with. They were funny and very welcoming. But my time at IADE was short-lived. On March 16, just two and a half weeks later, I got a call from AAA that I had a job as a Senior File Clerk making $7.59/hour and working with my good friend Clarissa. I jumped on the opportunity because it was more money AND I’d be working with my girlfriend.
I was so happy with the news of my new job. I couldn’t believe that God had finally answered my prayers! Despite the happiness I felt over my new job, I was also still dealing with depression. I was still crying a lot and still feeling like my life sucked ass.
I recently finished reading a book by Sonia Choquette called “The Answer is Simple…Love Yourself, Live your Spirit!” My favorite chapter is called “Accept Life’s Lessons with Grace”. She refers to life as school for the soul. She writes:
“No matter the lessons we encounter in life, there are several things of which we may be certain:
1. First we can know that on a soul level, we volunteered to learn the lessons facing us, whatever they are.
2. Second, there’s no lesson we run across that’s too difficult for our soul to learn.
3. And finally, once we learn a soul lesson, another will take its place. Lessons will never stop presenting themselves as long as we’re alive.
The best way to remain self-loving and aligned with Spirit when facing life’s challenges is to remember that they all are lessons – so stop feeling as though you’re a victim. This isn’t to suggest that the ones you face at times aren’t difficult or painful. It only means that until you acknowledge that your challenges exist to teach you something on a soul level, you can’t even begin to get past or rise above them. Whatever problem you encounter, know that it presents itself because there’s something in that situation that your soul wants to learn. The more quickly you acknowledge your problems as opportunities to acquire wisdom, the more manageable they become…
…In what areas do you feel victimized? Wherein lies your frustration? Pain? Challenge? Irritation? Annoyance? Struggle? Loss? Where those are, so are your soul lessons…
…Negative energies only further deepen or complicate your problems and prevent you from learning. Step back and view any problem as a soul lesson – not personal penance or punishment – just a class, like any other. The only way to successfully “pass” it is with detached self-love and connection to your spirit.”
I haven’t quite pieced it all together yet. I know there were lots of lessons in the experiences I had while living with Felicia. I’m still working through it all in my mind, trying to figure out what they all were. But I can tell you this…I hated that time in my life. I really did. Reading my old journal entries, I realize that it was worse than I even remembered it. Awful, sad, pathetic, downright depressing. Regardless though, I’m still glad for all of it if it means that my soul was able to grow and learn from the experience.
I know it sounds kooky and out-there, but I think it can help you too (like it helped me) if you step outside of your “victimhood” and try to see the troubles of your life as lessons. Try to remember that whatever your life is, you chose it for a reason and your soul knew you could handle it. You are stronger than you think and wiser for knowing it.
|Feb. 1992 - Visiting DJ at home. |
Music has always been what takes me to my happy place.
And seeing him cut, scratch, and mix was just plain sexy!
Wiki, wiki, wiki, wiki
|I like this picture because it off-sets the depression I was in.|
I could escape my reality when I was with DJ and his cousins.
I always had so much fun with all of them.