Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Gyno-Chronicle


Here's what's not fun for me, still, all these years later…Sitting in a room-full of pregnant women. I wish it weren’t the case, but it still stirs up a bit of anxiety in me. I had to go to the gynecologist today and as I walked toward the office door, I silently prayed for an empty waiting room. No luck. I was instead confronted with seven big, fat, pregnant bellies and about seven more that paraded out as they finished with their visit. $#&@!!!

Immediately, I felt like the odd woman out. I wasn't there for a looksee at my growing fetus or a Doppler scan to listen for a heartbeat. No, I was there for a pap. I was also there to schedule an ultrasound and a subsequent surgery to hopefully once and for all be done with my gynecological woes. Well, not totally done, I guess, because I'm not having a hysterectomy - just an Endometrial Ablation.

I saw preggos with their mothers and preggos with their husbands, and preggos with their toddlers and preschoolers. I was there with my husband and my 3-year-old too. I wondered if the others assumed I was pregnant too because why else would my hubby be there with me. I wondered when they called my name if the others thought it was odd that only I went into the room and DJ and my little girl remained in the waiting room. (He came to babysit for me, bless his heart.) I wondered if any of them were going to have the type of news at their appointment that I had on September 14, 2000.

I have been to the gynecologist in the last 15 years more times than I can count. And I swear, each time I go, I recall the last appointment of my pregnancy. I recall the excitement I felt waking up that day. I recall the giddiness DJ and I felt knowing we were going to hear our baby's heartbeat. I also recall the wails I let out learning that there was no longer a heartbeat.



So every single time I go to a gynecologist I wonder if I will happen to be there at the precise moment someone is receiving the kind of news I received that tragic day. I wonder if women who were at their appointments that day with me still remember my sobs. Did I traumatize them for the rest of their pregnancies? Were they suddenly aware of the dark side of pregnancy and that sadly, it doesn't always result in a bouncing, happy baby?

That's what I also wondered today in that packed waiting room...have any of these women been through what I've been through? Are they sitting here next to me fully aware of what can go wrong? Maybe. In fact, I'm certain at least two or three statistically must have suffered a loss.

I suppose I still have post-traumatic-stress, though it's so much better than it once was. Healing from tragedy takes a long time...a lifetime in some cases. I know I have healed beyond measure but this experience I had today reminded me that the scars remain and they may do so untiI I take my last breath.

The rest of the day I wondered what the uncomfortable feelings had been about. Were they due to the loss of my precious unborn angel or were they due to the infertility I suffered after my loss? I concluded it was a bit of both. On one hand, I felt like an imposter being there; eavesdropping on pregnancy conversations; unable to relate. On the other hand, I had flashbacks of my own short-lived pregnancy, especially hearing the stupid ultrasound machine making that hollow “woh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh” sound in the room next to me. I couldn’t focus on what the nurse was saying because all I kept thinking of was the time I had heard that sound for me and how extremely happy DJ and I had been. (Honestly, that sound is a huge trigger for him and me both.) So, you see what I mean? I think I was doubly overwhelmed by my past today.

After I was done, I walked out to the waiting room. My little doll came running over to me and squealed “Mommy!!!” as she hugged my legs tight. I squeezed her and kissed her sweet head.

As I drove home I remembered my last post and repeated to myself the rest of the day…”None of it mattered in the end” as I tried to shake off the ugly feelings I was dealing with. By the end of the evening, this is what I decided:

So, I’ve shown my hoo-ha to half of the medical professionals in my city…
So, I had to endure an uncomfortable time sitting in that waiting room and there will be more to come…
So, I have to have my 50th ultrasound (a not-too-far-off exaggeration, I’m sure) and my seventh Gynecological surgery (not an exaggeration)…
So what?

In the past, I used to let these doctor visits really wear on me and bring me down for days. I’d slump into depression as I anticipated my next procedure. I’d feel sorry for myself for having been dealt the suck-ass card of gynecological issues. I would dwell on the fact that I was, yet again, dealing with the unfairness and cruelty of life. “Why me? Why does this shit happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? When will I get to be normal? When will this all end? <Whine, whine, whine, complain, complain, complain>” I’d cry to DJ and he’d hold and comfort me while feeling absolutely helpless and so worried for me. My old friends Anger, Bitterness, and Resentment would also come stay with me for a while and make their presence known too.

But today was different. Today I am ending my day with sort of a bad-ass feeling. I’m feeling like “OK, bitches, bring it. Let’s do this!” Because I now know that when all is said and done, I’ll be just fine, because none of this will matter in the end.

And once again, because music is in me, I’ve now got Pink playing in my head…This song is on my "Feisty Mood" playlist. So What by Pink - Music Video. I always feel like I can conquer the world when I sing along to this.

I always see a duck. Do you see a duck? Well, F*ck the duck.


4 comments:

  1. When I found out my last pregnancy was another ectopic at my obgyn,I broke down sobbing in the ultrasound room with my husband. They didn't have any rooms available and needed the ultrasound room so they sent me back into the waiting room with all of the pregnant women. I was mortified, hearbroken, and just devastated. How awful to be sent out into a room full of people after finding out my 3rd pregnancy was my 3rd ectopic and not viable. I will never forget that feeling and the stares. That ectopic ended up rupturing and I almost bled out, the methotrexate didn't work. I haven't been back since, I have only been to my Reproductive Endocrinologist for IVF. I pray for the day that I get to go back to the obgyn because that will mean I have a viable pregnancy from IVF and have been released to my obgyn. I start stimulation hormones for my second IVF on February 11th. I pray that we will get our blessing this time, but no matter what I will never forget that horrible day.

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    1. Oh geez! I am so sorry that you had such a horrid ordeal. That sounds awful!!! I can't believe they had you sit out there! I am thankful my Ob/Gyn had the wherewithal to move me to his private office when they needed the u/s room. Some doctors are just clueless. Have you considered writing them a letter letting them know how terrible that was and to please never do that again to you or anyone else? Sometimes they just need to be made aware when they are being insensitive. I also want to say that I'm sorry for your ectopics and I hope that your miracle comes this time around. Good luck on the 11th! All the best ~ Jackie

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  2. awww sweetie. Sorry about the preggo parade...and impending ablation. You ARE still a rock star. <3

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    1. Thanks friend. I know you get it. I'm just glad I'm in a much different place emotionally, this time around. And hopefully this will be the last surgery I ever need "down there". Rock on!

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